


Blurted Confessions (Edited)

by BookshopLaura



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Angst, M/M, Magic Reveal
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-24
Updated: 2014-07-17
Packaged: 2018-02-06 02:29:39
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,387
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1841020
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BookshopLaura/pseuds/BookshopLaura
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff"><p>So I know I said I'd do a sequel to the other, and I will, and I will finish Goodnight, Merlin. But I had this idea and I wanted to get it down. It's only a draft so if you guys like the concept I might rewrite and expand. (obviously it'll be angstier)</p></blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Merlin had always thought he knew exactly how Arthur felt about him. He found Merlin annoying and frustrating, but put up with him, maybe out of necessity or habit. They were friends to a point, but Arthur wouldn’t miss him if he left. If he went it might be an inconvenience to him to a day or two, but Merlin was easily replaceable. Any feeling would be an annoyance at Merlin not fulfilling his duties. 

No, that’s not entirely true. Arthur might worry a little but only because he’s a good man; a decent and a fair king who cares for the welfare of all of his subjects. And Merlin is one of Arthur’s subjects as much as he is his servant. Arthur caring occasionally isn’t a sign of any greater feeling. Merlin is the same as anyone else really. 

One day, he realises that the only way to save Arthur is to go on a quest that will take him away for... well actually he doesn’t know how long. It will involve putting his own life in mortal peril but he’s known for a long time that he won’t even hesitate if it means saving Arthur. And it’s not even just their destiny any more. Merlin knows that Arthur means more to him than anything, which is why he doesn’t hesitate before deciding to go. He only leaves himself enough time to write Arthur a rushed note.

“Arthur  
I have to go and may be gone a while. George will serve you now.   
Merlin.”

Rereading it he realises it sounds blunt. But he really needs to get to the fortress he’s heading to before nightfall and it’s already lunchtime. So he adds a ‘sorry’ and leaves the note on Arthur’s desk before practically printing down to the stables and riding out without looking out. He doesn’t see Arthur just heading back from the training, who frowns at his retreating figure.   
\---  
The quest to save Arthur, preventing an attack by Morgana, proves difficult and Merlin isn’t unscathered when he drags himself back into Camelot nearly a week later. He has a badly broken arm, a nasty bruise to his face and he hasn’t eaten properly the whole time he was away. What he wants to do is go to bed, then have a proper meal. Except that he really really wants to see Arthur, even if he can barely walk as it is. He tells himself it’s just to check that Arthur’s okay, hasn’t got himself into any trouble whilst Merlin was away. But the truth is he just wants to see him. 

He’s dragging his exhausted feet towards the doors towards the steps of the castle when there’s a flash of red and gold and Arthur is barrelling towards him.

“Merlin? Merlin! Where the hell have you been?” he asks, no demands. His eyes train over Merlin, analysing every cut and graze. For a moment Merlin’s heart skips a beat because Arthur has worried and he’s still worrying. For a moment Merlin thinks about collapsing into his arms, falling asleep with his head buried against Arthur’s shoulder. But then reality kicks in. Arthur is the king and only cares as much as a he would for any of the knights, if that. Arthur would be horrified by the idea of such familiarity with Merlin, would turn his nose up in disgust and brush him off like a piece of dirt on his cloak. 

Merlin feels two tight hands on the top of his arms and he looks up into Arthur’s demanding eyes. 

“I...er... I had to visit my mother.” Arthur’s eyes obviously scan over the cuts and scratches. Merlin feels his face redden.  
“There were bandits... on the road.” He says, and he knows it’s not convincing. And he knows Arthur hasn’t believed a word of it. But he just purses his lips, frowns and puts his arm around Merlin’s shoulders. He silently escorts Merlin to Gaius’ chambers where he leaves him without another word. Gaius is more articulate. 

\---

Later, once Gaius has finished treating him (including some forced bed rest), Merlin makes his way nervously to Arthur’s chambers. He opens the door to find Arthur sat by his fire, staring blankly at the flames. In his hands is a little scrap of paper. The note that Merlin wrote.

“Is there... is there anything you want, Sire?” he ask quietly. For a moment Arthur is silent and Merlin’s not even sure Arthur’s heard him.

“Yes, actually. I want some answers.” Merlin lowers his head. 

“I’d like to know where you went. I’d like to know how you got hurt, and who did it to you. But I think most of all I’d like to know ... why you left. Was it something I did?” Merlin’s forehead furrows and he looks up. Arthur looks honestly hurt.  
“Was it something I said or did that made you leave?” There’s just a little crack in his voice, a tightness in his jaw. 

“I have thought and thought about what it could have been...” Arthur is closer to tears than Merlin has ever heard him. He steps forward, compelled. Arthur’s face when it looks up, is broken, abandoned. 

“Arthur, it wasn’t you! You didn’t... there was something I had to do” Arthur stands, staring at Merlin, his eyes pleading. Merlin really wants to tell him. He knows he owes Arthur an explanation, but despite Arthur’s pleading looks, Merlin is still scared. Not scared of dying, he hasn’t been scared of that for a long time. But Arthur will reject him, hate him. Then Arthur is stepping forward and for a split second Merlin wonders if he knows, if he suspects. Arthur’s face is hard to read, but then Merlin can see fear being mirrored back.

“Merlin... did you... you didn’t run because... because you think...”

“I think what?” And Merlin’s heart is racing, because Arthur can’t really, he wouldn’t be...

“that I don’t care for you... because I do! I do care for you... a lot. I mean, if you don’t... if that’s why you ran...” Arthur's eyes are flitting manically between Merlin's, searching for the answer and Merlin can only stare at him for a moment as him mind processes. Arthur loves me, Arthur's in love with me. Over and over. 

"Merlin? Please say something." 

"I have magic." it's out before he thinks about the consequences.


	2. Chapter 2

"What?" says Arthur, his eyes widening dangerously.

"What?" asks Merlin. He feels wrong- footed. He hadn't meant to say it, hadn't realised he’s said it until now as he stands looking at the consequences. He feels like someone has poured a bucket of ice water over his head, his skin prickling and chest tightening. He doesn’t know what to say. What can he say? 

"Are you mocking me?" asks Arthur, blinking slightly. His eyes are accusing and confused. 

"What?" repeats Merlin, because it had never occurred to him that Arthur wouldn’t believe him. 

"If... if this is your way of trying to... to tell me that I was wrong, to let me down." Arthur glances away. There is silence for a long moment and Merlin can barely breathe. It seems like whatever way he steps will lead to disaster. If he denies he has magic and he was mocking Arthur and Arthur's feelings. And he really doesn’t want Arthur to think that. But to admit that he does have magic? Arthur could get over him and have him sentenced to death in a moment. Arthur still hasn’t looked up again and Merlin still doesn’t know what to say. 

"I... I think it's best if we don't... if we don't mention this again." Merlin doesn't know whether to be happy or sad. Laugh or cry. He's saved his own neck, but how great the cost seems now. Arthur is turning away from him. But Merlin wants to do something, needs to do something. Because suddenly he knows he'd rather Arthur kill him for the truth than have Arthur heartbroken by a lie. If he must break Arthur’s heart, it might as well be for the truth.

But he doesn't know what to say, how to explain. How do you explain years of hiding who you really are from the person who means most to you in the world? Who's life your own revolves around? Merlin decides that words won't suffice. So he steps forward and grabs Arthur's shoulder, spinning him around. For a moment, Arthur's face is confused, his brow furrowed and his lips pouting. But Merlin knows that if he thinks about this a moment longer he won't have the courage. So he grabs Arthur's face in both of his hands and kisses him. 

It's desperate; Merlin's eyes are scrunched tight, his hands dropping to fist in the material of Arthur's night shirt. After a moment Arthur responds by tentatively moving his own hands to hover on Merlin's hips, then changes his mind and brings one to cup Merlin's face as he kisses him passionately. It hasn't last long, not nearly long enough for Merlin's liking when they break away. Merlin's shaking, barely managing to glance up at Arthur's face. It's smiling, his crocked smile that Merlin thinks is just for him.

Except that now it's fading; because now Arthur's thinking more clearly. Now he's realising that if Merlin's confession wasn't a crude deflection from an awkward situation then... then it must be... Arthur's brow furrow's and eyes widen with disbelief. That cannot be true, Merlin can't... Merlin is looking at him so earnestly and he sees the moment when Arthur registers the truth. The way the colour, the happiness, the smile melts from his face. Merlin can almost see the wall go up between them, the way that Arthur's hand drops away from Merlin like a leaden weight.

Finally Merlin's courage fails him. He can't stand and watch as Arthur loses all love, friendship, respect he ever had for Merlin. So he runs.


	3. Chapter 3

Merlin has been sat on the roof of this tower for hours. It's raining, but he doesn't care. He could cast a spell to protect himself from the rain. Or he could be even more sensible and simply climb carefully down from the wall, go inside and face his fate. But he’s scared, and besides the weather seems to match his mood, like it understands him. Maybe it does understand, maybe Merlin is creating it himself. That his despair is so profound he has conjured up the weather to suit it. He knows that's ridiculous, it’s just raining. But he's cold and wet and alone, and that seems very fitting. 

"Merlin!" a tear rolls down his face, because Arthur sounds angry. And he knows it’s only a matter of time now. And it’s all his own fault. All because of a stupid, thoughtless outburst. He picks mindlessly at the moss on the roof, which is sodden beneath his finger. 

"Merlin!" the voice that he hears is faint now. Judging from the direction it's coming from the courtyard. He's not sure he can face it. He'll probably have the guards ready for when Merlin comes down. He chews his lip and a tear runs down his cheek. But Arthur's voice is more and more insistent.

Carefully, fearfully Merlin creeps forward just in time to see Arthur darting inside. A few minutes later he reappears then disappears inside again. Merlin tries to steal himself to climb down off of the tiles, but he can’t, not yet. Then there are footsteps on the stairs and the door is opening and Merlin can hear Arthur pacing the parapet below him. If he looks up he could see Merlin, but he’s not, he’s looking over the parapet.

“Merlin!” it’s almost a scream. There’s a desperation and Arthur runs a hand through his hair, which is almost brown in the rain. When Arthur turns to face the other way Merlin catches a glance at his face. It looks wild, and scared. Worried. He looks worried. For Merlin? Unlikely, but Merlin can’t stand it, he knows he has to say something now.

“Meeeeeerlliiiiin!” screams Arthur and it’s painful to hear. 

“I’m here.” He says. It’s quiet, almost a whisper. Just about audible over the sound of the rain on the tiles below him. Arthur whips around, eyes wide as they search around until they rest on Merlin. Then he steps forward until his hands a resting on the edge of the tiles. For a few moments they both stare at the other, getting wet and cold as they watch each other. Then Arthur speaks.

"I... I still love you." Merlin's not sure why his first reaction is to let out a loud sob. Maybe it's because it's the first time that Arthur has actually said it. Or maybe it's because it's more forgiveness than he ever expected. Whatever the reasoning he brings his good hand up to cover his eyes as he cries. As he cries, he hears Arthur climbing up onto the tiles to join him. Then he feels Arthur sit down next to him, leaning against him, feels an arm around his shoulders and a head rest against his own. 

"Why did you run?" asks Arthur in a whisper, and his voice breaks as he asks.

"I thought you might... might not want me anymore." says Merlin shakily. 

"You're such an idiot." says Arthur kissing the side of his head. For a moment Merlin just sits there, revelling in the feeling of Arthur’s arm and the feel of Arthur’s breath in his hair. It’s a little shaky still, his grip just a little too tight.

“You didn’t think... Did you think I’d... hurt you?” he asks after a while, voice still tight. Merlin wants to lie, to say it’s okay of course he didn’t. But there have been too many lies. So, his head still buried against Arthur’s neck, he nods. Arthur lets out a strangled sound which might be a sob.

“I’m sorry.” he says. 

“It’s alright... You haven’t so...” Says Merlin.

“And I don’t intend to.” Says Arthur firmly. Merlin smiles and kiss the side of Arthur’s cheek in return. 

For a while longer they sit there, leaned against each other, staring out over Camelot.

“Merlin?” asks Arthur seriously. 

“Yeah?” answers Merlin.

“Can we get down off this roof yet, I’m soaking.”

**Author's Note:**

> So I know I said I'd do a sequel to the other, and I will, and I will finish Goodnight, Merlin. But I had this idea and I wanted to get it down. It's only a draft so if you guys like the concept I might rewrite and expand. (obviously it'll be angstier)


End file.
